We are, as a society, very oriented toward self-improvement. In many ways this is a good thing. It’s natural for us to want to learn, grow and expand our knowledge of the world, of our partner and of ourselves.

In business, continuous improvement management has been very effective in increasing productivity and reducing systemic errors. People in good marriages keep looking at ways to improve how they communicate and the way they express love for one another.

The Blame Game

The sticking point comes in responding to the inevitable glitches and breakdowns that occur. Rather than focusing on fixing the problem or the process, there is a tendency to fix the blame by asking, “Whose fault is this?” This is a path that rarely yields beneficial results.

When someone is blamed for a problem, they usually feel guilty and/or defensive. This reaction does not often correlate to improved performance–just the opposite. The blamed individual will begin to feel disconnected. They will start playing “not to lose” instead of “playing to win.”

Sometimes we take the blame on ourselves. While this seems more noble than berating others, it doesn’t necessarily improve future behavior. Have you ever met anyone who improved by being more brutal on themselves than anyone else? Me, neither.

Improvement without Recrimination

How can we learn and grow without taking a detour into the land of blame and shame? Here are two tips:

• Recognize the pattern and interrupt it. When you hear the familiar judgmental/critical thoughts, replace, “I’m an idiot” or “My spouse is an idiot” or “My people are idiots” with “What can I/we learn from this that could prevent it from happening again?” Just entertaining that question will improve your awareness and your attitude.
• Commit to being gentle with yourself. When you realize you screwed up somewhere, just gently get back on track without judgment, fanfare or criticism. If you wasted time all morning on something worthless, just pivot and apply yourself to what needs your attention now without judgment.

These take a little practice and a degree of emotional intelligence but they pay big dividends. When you are kind to yourself, you’ll see things more clearly. Solutions will be more accessible from this new perspective. What’s more, your mood will lighten, and this attitude will be reflected in the people around you.

There is a lot to be said for staying out the bad neighborhoods in your head. Being gentle with yourself might just keep you from getting mugged.

As it turns out, it’s actually easier to change ourselves than it is to change our partner. We don’t have a lot of control over our partner but we do have some control over our responses in any given situation. Notice that I said responses and not reactions. Our reactions to things people do or say are often automatic and happen before we get a chance to think about them rationally.

Have you ever felt hurt by or taken offense to something your partner said? Notice how quickly the reaction happened and how little control you had over how you felt? Feelings are feelings. We create the best outcomes when we accept them without judgment. It took me a long time to accept myself and my feelings especially since people have been saying, “Boy! You really are super-sensitive, you know that?” to me for years. I finally realized that I can’t help how I feel. I can, however, work to improve how I respond when my feelings are hurt, my expectations aren’t met or when I feel slighted in some way.

When we give ourselves permission to feel the feelings we have, a space opens up for us to choose how to respond. We get to rethink what just happened and see if we can find some other interpretation than the one that upsets us or has our partner look like a perpetrator. The willingness to see a situation differently can have a huge effect on how we respond and thus can change the “dance” between us and our partner.

Recently, a client who took the Powerful Partnerships^® Course without a partner, identified some pent up feelings she had about her ex-husband. Even though they had been divorced for years, there were still a number of property issues that had not been resolved. Remarkably, she was able to transform her relationship without even having a conversation with him. Just getting in touch with and expressing her truth the way she learned to do in the course had a healing effect on her. Out of that experience, she started to see him differently and the dance between them changed dramatically with surprising results. Susanne was kind enough to share her remarkable experience (above).

Believe it or not, the results she got are not all that uncommon.

Talk to you soon,

-Jim

There is something about this animal interaction that we as humans could learn from. What I described with the mother lion and her cubs was called “boundary violation.” Someone violates another’s personal space (in this case physical space) and the other one doesn’t like it and says so. This happens to us all the time—except we humans are weird about it and animals aren’t. When someone violates our boundaries we don’t like it but, unlike animals and small children, we don’t always let our feelings be known. Our unresolved feelings often become resentments that have consequences later and make us wonder whether we can save our marriage.

I wonder how many times couples returning from a party have had this conversation, “Do you believe she/he said that? That was so insensitive!” Someone said or did something that violated someone else’s boundaries (in this case emotional ones) but the offended party doesn’t say anything. This unresolved boundary violation often marks the beginning of the end of the relationship. The incident is never discussed directly with the offending party. Instead, the ones who got their feelings hurt find that they are spending less time with this couple. Eventually, they may stop socializing with them entirely and may not even remember making a decision to do so.

This same dynamic occurs within marriage. Often, when boundary violations happen, they aren’t handled particularly well. The ensuing discussion leads to an argument that doesn’t end in forgiveness and thereafter becomes a sore subject that needs to be avoided. Sometimes, the combination of verbal unpleasantness and unresolved conflict surrounding the incident leads to a tacit agreement between partners to avoid confrontation and argument at all costs. Once conflicts are systematically avoided, the prognosis for such a marriage is not good.

It’s not that I am advocating that couples argue a lot. I am saying that boundary violations are normal in all relationships and learning to successfully resolve arguments is one of the healthiest things you can do save your marriage. It’s also a wonderful thing to model for children. They will learn that arguments between adults are not a big deal when they end in forgiveness. Intimacy, after all, isn’t just getting close with another person. It’s created through a series of forgivenesses.

When you understand how to resolve arguments quickly, you and your partner can spend most of your time on the same team, closer than before the argument and with a greater appreciation of each other’s boundaries.

As always, I’d love to hear your comments about this or any other blog post.

The plane has learned to maneuver around these pieces of rubble but can only taxi. The couple often wonders if the flying they did earlier in the relationship was even real. They also wonder if it’s even possible to save their marriage.

When couples first fall in love, it feels as if all they have to do is hold hands and they go soaring into the air. It feels like something that just happens to them over which they have no control. Many love songs are inspired by the flood of emotions that we first feel in this state.

After many interactions, it is inevitable that our partner will violate a boundary, disappoint us in some way or fail to live up to our expectations. These first “glitches” represent a critical time in every relationship. If not handled well, they make it much harder down the road to save a marriage.

Each little disappointment has the potential of pulling us out of love with our partner. If handled correctly, however, glitches have the potential of bringing us much closer. Glitches that are forgiven help us to know our partner’s boundaries better as well as our own and enable us to build a solid foundation of love that grows deeper over time.

In Powerful Partnerships® I use two methods to get people flying again and both work very well. One involves an effective way of clearing away old hurts. I show people how to dissolve the rubble so that the runway is clear again. The other involves a refocusing on love i.e., being loving and doing things together that increase the experience of love regardless of the current state of the relationship. When used in combination, the runway is restored, the plane can fly again and the access to love returns. But now, love is not something that just happens to you. It’s something that you’ve learned to create.

Please let me know your experience with falling in love and generating love by commenting below.

I’ve been amazed by couples’ decisions on both extremes. I’ve seen couples, presenting issues that seemed fairly easy to remedy, decide not to work things out and get divorced. I’ve also seen couples dealing with huge violations of trust e.g., multiple infidelities, major financial mismanagement by one party bordering on fraud, etc., who decide to work it out. And guess what, against all odds—they do!

The most inspiring thing to me is that at any time, someone can decide to change their ways and change the dance they have been in for years with their partner. As I’ve shown in previous blog posts, it only takes one to change the dance. If both parties decide to start being different with each other, the change happens that much faster. Free will is a wonderful thing. We can turn on a dime if we choose to. Once we make that choice, anything is possible.

Let me hear what you think about whether things can turn around.

You’ve probably heard resentment defined as a poison pill you take hoping that the other person will die. This is quite true. I see now that I suffered quite a bit by hanging on to my resentments but at the time, I was so incredibly self-righteous, I didn’t notice. You see, I knew that I was right. I had witnesses and evidence to back up my position that I had been raised wrong. Most of my memories were painful ones of feeling “not good enough,” not free to make my own choices and of being oppressed by their expectations. When I looked back, I could easily recall angry confrontations between my parents and myself. I couldn’t remember a lot of happy times. This always surprised my parents since they had no such difficulty.

In the course of growing up (I was a very late bloomer) and working on myself with the help of some excellent coaches, teachers and therapists, I was able to reinterpret much of my parents’ behavior. Over time, I forgave them and came to view their actions from a more compassionate perspective. Having children of my own helped the process along considerably.

Only after I forgave them did I get an amazing shock. Huge portions of my memory opened up to me to reveal a surprisingly happy childhood and adolescence. How could this be? These memories, I now realize, had been blocked or hidden from me while I was holding on to my story about how I had been unfairly treated and pressured to conform. It was like opening a forgotten box of Kodachromes and discovering pictures of me as a happy child–with these same parents no less! It was mind blowing. I had no idea things were so good back then.

Most people will agree that forgiveness is important to a good relationship. They know that forgiveness is healthier than holding on to resentments but they don’t really know how to get there from where they are.

This is probably the most valuable benefit people derive from practicing Powerful Partnerships®.—they forgive each other and they forgive themselves. As it turns out, there is a storehouse of love and happiness that opens up to you when resentments are finally forgiven.

I think the old adage is true—it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Forgiveness is the key to it all. If you could forgive the past, what do think that might do for you? I hope you’ll treat yourself to a new set of Kodachromes soon.

I can show you how to forgive the past in such a way that it doesn’t come back to haunt you, predict your future or deprive you of your own pleasant memories. It takes a little practice but the payoff is huge.

It is only natural to wonder, “Can I save my marriage?” Of course, the best advice is not to wait until you are at the “save my marriage” state before taking action. There is still plenty you can do, however, to turn things around.

A relationship is kind of like a fine yacht. If you pay loving attention to it, it remains a thing of beauty. If you neglect it, it can soon look like hell.

The biggest reason for the loss of intimacy is that most relationships are carried along in the beginning by the feeling of being “in love.” This can lead to misconceptions about love and how to make it stay.

Being in love is a magical time when your partner fascinates and thrills you and vice versa. While you are in this phase, you are naturally speaking and acting in ways that keep those loving feelings alive. You like doing things together and spending time listening to each other. You connect physically through touching, hugging, back rubs, kissing and sex. You tend to focus on what you like about the other person and compliment him or her often.

In this phase, you are more likely to be kind and thoughtful and to forgive shortcomings and mistakes. When there is a misunderstanding, you’re willing to apologize and give the benefit of the doubt. The magic of being in love ( or even in “extreme like”) is that you want to do these things. It’s the nature of love to be kind, nurturing, patient and forgiving.

Here is where people make two big mistakes.

First, they believe that the feeling of being in love comes from the other person. It doesn’t. The love you are feeling is inside you and it’s activated by you.

The second mistake is believing that this feeling of being in love will last ––without the presence of all the elements I mentioned in the previous paragraphs. It won’t . Slowly and subtly, without your continuing to be loving, the feelings you had will diminish until you wonder what you ever saw in this person. It will seem like your partner has changed and that you are reacting to this change in them. Don’t be fooled by appearances.

Imagine having a beautiful plant that gives you tremendous pleasure every time you look at it. No matter how lovely it is, if you stop watering it, it will begin to lose its vibrancy and will eventually wilt and die.

The way to save a marriage (or keep from having to save a marriage) is to continue to do and say the things that generate the loving feelings. Spend quality time together, practice listening without judging or criticizing, touch each other gently a few times each day, have sex often, hold hands, forgive each other repeatedly, do and say loving, thoughtful things, and continue to focus and comment on what you like about your partner.

If you make all of these things graceful habits in your life, you’ll feel more love and appreciation than you ever thought possible for your partner and the idea of needing to save your marriage won’t even occur to you. You create the magic by your thoughts, words and actions. That’s how to save a marriage.

Should you and your husband or wife wish to preserve your relationship, it is highly recommended that you simply look for relationship advice from a good marriage counselor. Should you not afford the cost or choose not to see a counselor you can still work to find common ground with your partner to improve the relationship. Outlined below are 4 tips that any couple will find useful:

Regardless of whether or not your relationship survives depends on what you expect from the relationship or marriage. If you go into a relationship expecting it to be perfect, you will set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Each relationship, regardless of how significantly you adore your partner has it’s ups and downs. A relationship isn’t an automatic passport to happiness. When you expect a marriage to be a solution for all your problems and worries, you are deceiving yourself and your partner. You are not being realistic with marriage and it will suffer as such. Be prepared to make human errors, expect your husband or wife to also make errors. Actually, you must view your marriage somewhat as a job. You do not apply for a job if you know you are not capable of performing. It takes a lot of work to keep and save a marriage. Be sure to have this mentality.

We all realize that great connection abilities are essential for an excellent relationship. What many people do not realize is the fact that connection involves a lot more than the ability or skill to speak. You need to have the capacity to listen and make an effort to put yourself into your spouse’s shoes.

Great connection also implies being prepared to not just acknowledge reality but accept the reality as well. Partners should really feel free to express themselves and say what they really feel without having concern for consequence. This does not mean that it’s fine to be verbally abusive. It should be a good thing to feel comfy expressing your feelings although and knowing that your husband or wife will understand and not wave you away or take you for granted.

Understand the grand art of compromise. Holding onto your husband or wife and relationship will, on occasions, necessitate the need for making an adjustment in what you think is correct or incorrect. Often, this is the most difficult part for many couples. Many couples take to the stage and are too proud to accept being in the wrong, eventually ruining an otherwise healthy relationship. So, constantly be prepared to discover the middle ground and seek to settle any disputes through mutual agreement.

Do not go into a relationship unless you realize what it implies, to commit yourself and keep your wedding day vows. When people get married, they are obviously in love, and they should have plans for the long term. Think about your love and your future. Couples must dedicate themselves to the future and make it happen. What would you do when your expectations for the future do not materialize? In today’s modern world, many people flee from marriage as soon as the honeymoon is over. A commitment endures on the very first, 2nd or third sign of complications. Commitment stays the course, no matter what. You have to stick to your marriage even if the going gets tough.

For marriage to be successful, you should avoid going into a relationship with unreasonable expectations. You have to be prepared to honestly speak and actively listen to what your husband or wife is saying. Be prepared to compromise, not to constantly be on the right and most importantly you have to realize that it requires a massive dedication from you and your wife or husband.

Monetary Responsibilities:

The husband and wife must take part in family finances. Things have changed, unlike in the olden days when one partner was required to bring home the bread and butter, today’s marriage requires income from both partners to sustain the household. Your husband or wife might be getting a bigger salary than you, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that the other one is not accountable for meeting monetary responsibilities.

Sharing financial responsibility keeps you and your husband or wife from feeling stressed which, in turn minimizes tension that may negatively have an effect on a relationship. So, if you work from home or perhaps you are the spouse with a smaller income, do not think that you do not have a significant part to play.

Do Not Burden Your Partner With Your Irresponsible Debt:

Although some people may disagree with this, you must not pile debt over your partner. It’s like bringing excess baggage to your marriage. The only debt you ought to share is mortgage. Personal and minor debts acquired from your credit card should remain in your name, not transferred to your partner.

Even now, when our grown daughter is upset, she calls her mom and lets her know what is bothering her. I see this as a good thing and I watch how quickly she recovers from her upset feelings. I don’t think she feels better because of the good advice she gets from her mother, however. I believe she feels better because she gets to fully express herself in a safe environment. Her mom knows how to listen and empathize especially well and that let’s our daughter move through her feelings and sort things out for herself.

There is one situation, however, that requires a certain amount of restraint where full self expression would ordinarily feel great — it is when you are in the middle of an unresolved disagreement with your partner. Imagine that you and your partner are at odds over something and things have gotten heated. It happens to couples all the time. Before you have resolved things, you get a call from a good friend. Still upset, you privately relate how angry you are and have a few choice words about your partner’s major maladjustments. Then you hang up. In the next hour or so you and your partner make up or work things out and life gets back to normal.

The next time you see your friend, they ask warily, “How are you and your partner getting along?” They sound sincerely concerned. You have no idea what they are referring to. “We’re fine. Why?” You see, you worked out that disagreement days or weeks ago but they are still left with a snapshot of your relationship from the quick assessment you gave them on the phone. From that last conversation, they may believe that your relationship is in serious trouble when it actually isn’t.

For this reason, I always advise the following:

• If possible, refrain from unloading on a friend when you are in the middle of an argument with your partner.
• If you really can’t help but express your feelings to a friend, be sure to get back with that friend when you and your partner are back on the same team and let them know that everything is fine.
• Remember that it is pretty natural to talk disparagingly about someone when you are in the middle of a dispute with them but unless you restore that person’s image to your friend, you are setting the friend up to dislike your partner.
• Even if you are upset, try to cast your partner in the best light whenever possible –not an easy thing to do but important for the future of your relationship.

Sometimes we hesitate to forgive because we fear that if we forgive someone, we might be condoning what they did and perhaps giving them permission to do it again. We mistakenly believe that by not forgiving someone, we prevent them from hurting us anymore. I don’t think the two are related. I think those whom we haven’t forgiven still have the power to hurt us.

At times, we hold on to our resentments as a means of punishing those who have hurt or offended us. This doesn’t work too well either. It has been said that “resentment is a poison pill you take hoping the other person will die.” Unforgiven resentments tends to fester inside us robbing us of our health and peace of mind over time.

At other times, we don’t want to forgive because we might have to take responsibility for our part in the upsetting situation. Staying angry and hurt allows us to see ourselves as blameless victims and avoid confronting the issue of responsibility.

The First Type of Forgiveness – Healing from Hurts

In my Powerful Partnerships program I show people how to express what they are feeling inside, be it anger, fear, hurt, passion or joy in a way that heals them. When they are finished, they aren’t upset about that particular issue any more and the negative feelings they had don’t tend to get re-triggered by something that comes up later. They are able to say, “I still remember the incident but I don’t have any more emotional ‘charge’ on it now.” This is one type of forgiveness that I think is very useful, especially in a committed relationship. It requires self-expression to be successful. After practicing this for a while, my wife and I got to a place where our occasional arguments weren’t fueled by unforgiven feelings from the past. It became easier and easier to let things go and get back on the same team.

The Second Type of Forgiveness – Forgiveness as a State of Being

It wasn’t until I had children that I realized that there is another kind of forgiveness that has nothing to do with self expression or the healing of old hurts. In this experience, forgiveness is not something that you do or achieve, it’s a state of being. I was surprised to find that I held (and still hold) my children in a constant state of forgiveness. As they grew, I saw that they were often making mistakes or doing things that I didn’t like but I also knew that nothing they could do would ever need to be forgiven by me. My wife felt the same way and I’m sure parents everywhere know what I am talking about. Our children are already forgiven. For me, they exist in a constant state of forgiveness where the love between us can’t be broken regardless of their behavior on any given day. I don’t need to say or do anything to restore that connection because it is always there. I use to feel this especially when I would open the door to their bedroom at night and watch them as they slept. Whatever happened during that day I was always restored to a state of being where their innocence and my own were apparent. It felt like, “No harm, no foul, nothing to forgive, nothing to express—except love and gratitude.”

There is a big difference between the two types of forgiveness. In the first type, you believe that you’ve been hurt by someone and hopefully, you forgive them as you get over what is bothering you. The hurt is real and must be overcome and released somehow.

The second type of forgiveness is borne of the realization that, on another level, you are undamaged, always fine, the world is the way it is, and that is okay. You can forgive and accept it all because you are in touch with the part of you that can’t be damaged by anything. When I am conscious of this, I feel both forgiving and forgiven. I’m not there all the time but when I am, forgiveness feels like the most natural thing on earth.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness or any of the above ideas. I look forward to your comments.

-Jim