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I can’t save my marriage all by myself… can I???

Conventional wisdom would say, NO, but I couldn’t disagree more.

While it takes “two to tango” it only takes ONE to rekindle the passion and unlock the love you once knew!  Want to learn how?  Keep reading…

One of the most common problems married couples face is that one person is more interested in working on the relationship than the other.

For example, one person wants to go to marriage counseling and the other would rather have their wisdom teeth pulled… One wants to talk about their issues and problems and the other wants to do anything but.

This is a real dilemma for the person who wants things to change. At least, that’s how they see it.  But I’m here to tell you that you can do it alone – and yield incredible results.

See, most people think that the only way they can create the relationship of their dreams is to gain investment from their partner.  They need to go to marriage counseling together… talk out their problems together… share their feelings and emotions together…

But I’m here to tell you… that can actually make things worse.

If a couple ends up in marriage counseling, and only one person wants to be there, it can be a painful and unproductive ordeal.

Often times, the person making the appointment does so in hope that the counselor will agree with them and help them get their spouse to change his or her ways.  Good luck with that.

There is a wonderful expression from years ago that applies here, “A mind convinced against its will…is of the same opinion still.”

It’s impossible to convince a person against their will. If a counselor is foolish enough to take sides, the other spouse may feel like they’re being ganged up on.  They’ll probably stop coming to the sessions, or insist on finding another counselor.  More often than not, they give up on marriage counseling, and on fixing the relationship.

So the question is, “How can I save my marriage without my partner’s willing participation?” I’ll tell you how…

A lot of what makes a marriage great has little to do with working on problems together.  Now, I’m not going to tell you to sweep your problems under the rug but, at the same time, resolving them may not bring you what you really crave….

In the long run, happiness and fulfillment comes from where you focus your attention.  It’s about the story you create in your mind around, what your partner is doing, how they’re acting, and why.

Whatever story you create, your mind will organize around it.

If you create a story that you’re happy, you’ll create the circumstances that make you happy.

You’ll focus on what you like and express appreciation for all the good things you have. You’ll feel gratitude for all the people around you (including your partner), for the beautiful spring we are having and for being given a new day to create the life you’ve always wanted.

Likewise, if you create a story of entitlement i.e., I deserve a marriage that’s better than the one I have, then you’ll create a world of inequality — where you’re being deprived.  Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

You come home from work one evening exhausted from a challenging day at the office.  You’re spouse mumbles a “hello” but doesn’t ask you how your day was, how you’re doing, or anything else for that matter.

You have two choices here.  You could create a story about how your partner doesn’t love you.  You could convince yourself that because you weren’t asked about your day, your partner doesn’t really care about you.

OR, you could create a different story…

You could tell yourself that you know your spouse loves and cares about you.  You could create a story about how busy they must be because they didn’t ask about your day.

These two stories will create very different realities – and emotions – for you.

If you create the first story, you’ll start gathering evidence to support it.  You’ll focus on all the times that your spouse has ignored you, all the things he or she does that you don’t like… and you’ll create a world where you are living with a person who couldn’t care less about you.

On the other hand, if you create the second story, you’ll also gather evidence to support it.  You’ll start thinking about all the times your partner DID show interest in you.  Then you might remember that he or she had a million things to do that day.  You’ll create a world where your spouse loves and cares about you.

It’s all about where you place your focus.

If you really want to save your marriage, create a world where you’re happy and fulfilled. Take your attention off of your partner’s annoying habits and start noticing the little things that you like. The rest will fall into place.

The more you focus on positive things, the larger they will grow in your consciousness.  As you become more aware of what you love about your partner, your attitude toward them will change in a positive way and you will be able to influence their behavior more than you ever could before.

Neither you nor a marriage counselor can make your partner change.  But that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of changing– especially if they want to.

If you want to save your marriage, start by learning what makes a person want to change. You already know that manipulation, threats and other fear-based admonitions don’t work.  The most powerful motivator, by far, is love.

Recover Lost Love – Save My Marriage

Previous Passion and Excitement May well Be Buried But is Not Dead

North Potomac, MD 5/25/2010 — Psychologist and writer, Dr. Jim Goldstein, subsequent to working with hundreds of husbands and wifes, has discovered what destroys the passion along with excitement couples used to feel when they were courting. “The idea that love and attraction, even infatuation, may fade over time isn’t natural at all. Most of us unknowingly erode the good feelings we have for each other earlier in the relationship by the way we speak to each other. Most of the time, we have no idea we are doing it. But the next thing you know, you are spending less time together as things begin to fall apart. After a while we come to believe that whatever thrill we used to feel with our companion is lost to us forever.”

According to Dr. Goldstein, it isn’t. It really is alive and well and ready to be reawakened. In truth, he identified the secret cause of this falloff and – soon after 10 years of testing – developed a breakthrough system to recapture the love and rekindle the love and help save my marriage.
The Powerful Partnerships 8-week teleseminar begins June seventeen, 2010 at 5:00 PM PDT and 8:00 PM EDT.

He developed the Powerful Partnerships to help any person create the type of romance a lot of people only dream about. This innovative program is designed to help you recapture the feelings you used to have for your companion when you were dating with out therapy or discussing about problems.

Even better, the teleseminar may be taken by both spouses or just one half of the relationship and still guarantees results. This is because Dr. Goldstein views relationships as a kind of dance between 2 people, a change in one spouse’s dance steps is usually all it requires to change the dance. Dr. Goldstein formulated distinct things you can easily do and express in order to revive the joy and passion you once felt for your spouse. The sessions are recorded so participants can easily review them on-line or listen to the recordings on the telephone.

The 8 week program also includes an hour of personal coaching, online videos, three extra Q & A sessions and a copy of his new book, Powerful Partnerships — The Power to Transform Any Relationship into a Great One!
The Powerful Partnerships program is 100% guaranteed to recapture the love along with romance in your relationship. If not you’ll get a total refund, no questions asked.
For additional details, contact Dr. Jim Goldstein at 301.340.6406, e-mail jim@drjimgoldstein.com

How To Save My Marriage? – 4 Tips On How To Save Your Marriage.

How to save my marriage is the question asked by most married couples. Since it requires two people to tie the knot, it also requires two people to preserve a relationship. If you’re having relationship issues, saving your relationship will definitely call for commitment from both the husband and wife. A husband or wife can make an effort to change and do all that is required to do each and every day, but without commitment from each of the partners you it will be an uphill battle.

Should you and your husband or wife wish to preserve your relationship, it is highly recommended that you simply look for relationship advice from a good marriage counselor. Should you not afford the cost or choose not to see a counselor you can still work to find common ground with your partner to improve the relationship. Outlined below are 4 tips that any couple will find useful:

Regardless of whether or not your relationship survives depends on what you expect from the relationship or marriage. If you go into a relationship expecting it to be perfect, you will set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Each relationship, regardless of how significantly you adore your partner has it’s ups and downs. A relationship isn’t an automatic passport to happiness. When you expect a marriage to be a solution for all your problems and worries, you are deceiving yourself and your partner. You are not being realistic with marriage and it will suffer as such. Be prepared to make human errors, expect your husband or wife to also make errors. Actually, you must view your marriage somewhat as a job. You do not apply for a job if you know you are not capable of performing. It takes a lot of work to keep and save a marriage. Be sure to have this mentality.

We all realize that great connection abilities are essential for an excellent relationship. What many people do not realize is the fact that connection involves a lot more than the ability or skill to speak. You need to have the capacity to listen and make an effort to put yourself into your spouse’s shoes.

Great connection also implies being prepared to not just acknowledge reality but accept the reality as well. Partners should really feel free to express themselves and say what they really feel without having concern for consequence. This does not mean that it’s fine to be verbally abusive. It should be a good thing to feel comfy expressing your feelings although and knowing that your husband or wife will understand and not wave you away or take you for granted.

Understand the grand art of compromise. Holding onto your husband or wife and relationship will, on occasions, necessitate the need for making an adjustment in what you think is correct or incorrect. Often, this is the most difficult part for many couples. Many couples take to the stage and are too proud to accept being in the wrong, eventually ruining an otherwise healthy relationship. So, constantly be prepared to discover the middle ground and seek to settle any disputes through mutual agreement.

Do not go into a relationship unless you realize what it implies, to commit yourself and keep your wedding day vows. When people get married, they are obviously in love, and they should have plans for the long term. Think about your love and your future. Couples must dedicate themselves to the future and make it happen. What would you do when your expectations for the future do not materialize? In today’s modern world, many people flee from marriage as soon as the honeymoon is over. A commitment endures on the very first, 2nd or third sign of complications. Commitment stays the course, no matter what. You have to stick to your marriage even if the going gets tough.

For marriage to be successful, you should avoid going into a relationship with unreasonable expectations. You have to be prepared to honestly speak and actively listen to what your husband or wife is saying. Be prepared to compromise, not to constantly be on the right and most importantly you have to realize that it requires a massive dedication from you and your wife or husband.

Monetary Responsibilities:

The husband and wife must take part in family finances. Things have changed, unlike in the olden days when one partner was required to bring home the bread and butter, today’s marriage requires income from both partners to sustain the household. Your husband or wife might be getting a bigger salary than you, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that the other one is not accountable for meeting monetary responsibilities.

Sharing financial responsibility keeps you and your husband or wife from feeling stressed which, in turn minimizes tension that may negatively have an effect on a relationship. So, if you work from home or perhaps you are the spouse with a smaller income, do not think that you do not have a significant part to play.

Do Not Burden Your Partner With Your Irresponsible Debt:

Although some people may disagree with this, you must not pile debt over your partner. It’s like bringing excess baggage to your marriage. The only debt you ought to share is mortgage. Personal and minor debts acquired from your credit card should remain in your name, not transferred to your partner.

I learned a long time ago that when people are upset, they often need to express themselves before they can get over what is bothering them. I saw this in my children and the children of my friends and I knew it was true from my own childhood. When I was hurt, I needed to tell somebody and let those feelings out. If I didn’t, it was hard for me to feel normal and happy again.

Even now, when our grown daughter is upset, she calls her mom and lets her know what is bothering her. I see this as a good thing and I watch how quickly she recovers from her upset feelings. I don’t think she feels better because of the good advice she gets from her mother, however. I believe she feels better because she gets to fully express herself in a safe environment. Her mom knows how to listen and empathize especially well and that let’s our daughter move through her feelings and sort things out for herself.

AUDIO VERSION

There is one situation, however, that requires a certain amount of restraint where full self expression would ordinarily feel great — it is when you are in the middle of an unresolved disagreement with your partner. Imagine that you and your partner are at odds over something and things have gotten heated. It happens to couples all the time. Before you have resolved things, you get a call from a good friend. Still upset, you privately relate how angry you are and have a few choice words about your partner’s major maladjustments. Then you hang up. In the next hour or so you and your partner make up or work things out and life gets back to normal.

The next time you see your friend, they ask warily, “How are you and your partner getting along?” They sound sincerely concerned. You have no idea what they are referring to. “We’re fine. Why?” You see, you worked out that disagreement days or weeks ago but they are still left with a snapshot of your relationship from the quick assessment you gave them on the phone. From that last conversation, they may believe that your relationship is in serious trouble when it actually isn’t.

For this reason, I always advise the following:

1. If possible, refrain from unloading on a friend when you are in the middle of an argument with your partner.
2. If you really can’t help but express your feelings to a friend, be sure to get back with that friend when you and your partner are back on the same team and let them know that everything is fine.
3. Remember that it is pretty natural to talk disparagingly about someone when you are in the middle of a dispute with them but unless you restore that person’s image to your friend, you are setting the friend up to dislike your partner.
4. Even if you are upset, try to cast your partner in the best light whenever possible –not an easy thing to do but important for the future of your relationship.

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I think forgiveness is one of the hardest virtues to practice. We all know it is probably the right thing to do but there is something about doing it that brings up a lot of resistance. I’ve often wondered why this is so.

Sometimes we hesitate to forgive because we fear that if we forgive someone, we might be condoning what they did and perhaps giving them permission to do it again. We mistakenly believe that by not forgiving someone, we prevent them from hurting us anymore. I don’t think the two are related. I think those whom we haven’t forgiven still have the power to hurt us.

At times, we hold on to our resentments as a means of punishing those who have hurt or offended us. This doesn’t work too well either. It has been said that “resentment is a poison pill you take hoping the other person will die.” Unforgiven resentments tends to fester inside us robbing us of our health and peace of mind over time.

At other times, we don’t want to forgive because we might have to take responsibility for our part in the upsetting situation. Staying angry and hurt allows us to see ourselves as blameless victims and avoid confronting the issue of responsibility.

The First Type of Forgiveness—Healing from Hurts

In my Powerful Partnerships program I show people how to express what they are feeling inside, be it anger, fear, hurt, passion or joy in a way that heals them. When they are finished, they aren’t upset about that particular issue any more and the negative feelings they had don’t tend to get re-triggered by something that comes up later. They are able to say, “I still remember the incident but I don’t have any more emotional ‘charge’ on it now.” This is one type of forgiveness that I think is very useful, especially in a committed relationship. It requires self-expression to be successful. After practicing this for a while, my wife and I got to a place where our occasional arguments weren’t fueled by unforgiven feelings from the past. It became easier and easier to let things go and get back on the same team.

The Second Type of Forgiveness—Forgiveness as a State of Being

It wasn’t until I had children that I realized that there is another kind of forgiveness that has nothing to do with self expression or the healing of old hurts. In this experience, forgiveness is not something that you do or achieve, it’s a state of being. I was surprised to find that I held (and still hold) my children in a constant state of forgiveness. As they grew, I saw that they were often making mistakes or doing things that I didn’t like but I also knew that nothing they could do would ever need to be forgiven by me. My wife felt the same way and I’m sure parents everywhere know what I am talking about. Our children are already forgiven. For me, they exist in a constant state of forgiveness where the love between us can’t be broken regardless of their behavior on any given day. I don’t need to say or do anything to restore that connection because it is always there. I use to feel this especially when I would open the door to their bedroom at night and watch them as they slept. Whatever happened during that day I was always restored to a state of being where their innocence and my own were apparent. It felt like, “No harm, no foul, nothing to forgive, nothing to express—except love and gratitude.”

There is a big difference between the two types of forgiveness. In the first type, you believe that you’ve been hurt by someone and hopefully, you forgive them as you get over what is bothering you. The hurt is real and must be overcome and released somehow.

The second type of forgiveness is borne of the realization that, on another level, you are undamaged, always fine, the world is the way it is, and that is okay. You can forgive and accept it all because you are in touch with the part of you that can’t be damaged by anything. When I am conscious of this, I feel both forgiving and forgiven. I’m not there all the time but when I am, forgiveness feels like the most natural thing on earth.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness or any of the above ideas. I look forward to your comments.

-Jim

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